“Just Get Over It”: Why Men’s Grief Is Still Stigmatised at Work

Why I Studied Men, Grief, and Work

As a researcher working at the intersection of psychology, culture, and organisations, I’ve long been interested in how unspoken rules shape behaviour at work — especially when people are at their most vulnerable.

Grief is one of those experiences that everyone will face at some point. Yet in workplaces, grief is often treated as something to be managed quickly, contained privately, or fixed altogether. For men, this pressure is amplified.

My research explored how Australians perceive men who are grieving — and what those perceptions reveal about stigma, masculinity, and emotional expression. What emerged was confronting, but not surprising: when men grieve, they are often judged not on what they are experiencing, but on how well they continue to perform.

This matters deeply for leaders, because workplaces are one of the main stages where these judgments play out.

The Unspoken Rule at Work: Grief Is a Problem to Be Fixed

In my study, participants were asked to respond to a fictional male professional who had lost his wife. What became immediately clear was this: grief was seen as acceptable only if it was temporary, quiet, and productive.

At work, the expectation was that the grieving man should:

• Get help quickly

• Regain focus and efficiency

• “Rebuild” himself

• Return to being reliable, composed, and emotionally contained

Grief, in other words, was framed as a disruption — not a human experience.

This creates a dangerous equation in workplaces:If you are still grieving, you are not coping.If you are not coping, you are failing.

For many men, this becomes the start of silence.

Masculinity at Work: Strength Means Emotional Control

One of the strongest findings from the research was how tightly grief expectations were tied to masculinity — particularly in professional settings.

Men were expected to be:

• Strong

• Rational

• Emotionally controlled

• Functional under pressure

Expressions of sadness, withdrawal, or emotional overwhelm were viewed as uncomfortable or inappropriate — especially at work. Interestingly, some expressions were tolerated: irritability, aggression, emotional distance. These behaviours aligned more closely with traditional masculine norms and were therefore more socially acceptable.

What this means in practice is troubling:Men are often permitted to express grief only in ways that harm themselves and others.

The Clock Starts Ticking: “Surely He Should Be Over This By Now”

Support for grieving men came with an invisible expiry date. Colleagues were initially sympathetic — but patience faded quickly. If grief continued beyond what was considered “reasonable,” perceptions shifted:

• He’s not coping

• He’s become difficult

• He’s unreliable

• He’s a risk

At work, prolonged grief was seen not as a sign of deep loss, but as a failure to self-regulate.

This creates a culture where men learn very quickly:Grieve too long, and you’ll pay for it professionally.

Why This Is a Leadership Issue — Not a Personal One

When men suppress grief at work, the consequences don’t disappear. They resurface as:

• Burnout

• Depression

• Withdrawal

• Conflict

• Reduced performance

• Long-term mental ill-health

Leaders often ask, “Why didn’t he speak up sooner?”The answer is simple: the culture told him not to. Grief stigma isn’t about individual weakness — it’s about organisational norms. And norms are shaped, reinforced, or challenged by leadership.

A Call to Action for Leaders: What Needs to Change

If we want healthier workplaces — and healthier men — leaders must actively dismantle grief and stigma. That starts with moving beyond performative empathy and into cultural change.

Here’s where to begin:

1. Stop Expecting Grief to Be Linear or Timed

Grief does not follow a schedule. Avoid language that implies recovery deadlines or “getting back to normal.”

2. Redefine Professionalism

Emotional expression is not incompetence. Strength is not silence. Leaders set the tone for what is acceptable.

3. Make Space — Not Just Policies

Bereavement periods alone is not enough. Ongoing check-ins, flexibility, and psychological safety matter far more.

4. Watch What You Reward

If stoicism and emotional suppression are praised — while vulnerability is quietly penalised — men will learn exactly what’s expected.

5. Lead By Example

When leaders model emotional honesty and humane responses to loss, it gives others permission to do the same.

Closing Thought

Men do not struggle with grief because they are incapable of emotion. They struggle because we have taught them that expressing it comes at a cost — especially at work. If leaders are serious about mental health, then grief cannot remain a private burden carried silently behind professional performance.

It’s time to stop asking grieving men to “be strong” — and start asking workplaces to be human.

For a confidential discussion, call us on +61 02 8114 4454

Dr Kiaos is a researcher and practitioner working at the intersection of organisational culture, change, public sector reform and mental health. She is the founder of Mind Culture Life Australia, supporting leaders and People and Culture teams to understand how work really gets done during change.

References

Kiaos, T.A. (2024). Stop being a wuss: People's perceptions of men experiencing grief in Australia. Health Promotion Journal of Australia, 35(3), 713-723. https://doi.org/10.1002/hpja.794